Perspectives from A Friend Who Never Joined Social Media

An interview & vent session on friendship, focus, the early days of Facebook, & more

I want to start by welcoming new subscribers. With so much to read out in the world, I’m humbled by your interest in this newsletter. Let me introduce you to my friend “Noelle.” That’s not her real name — I want her to feel free to share her thoughts as openly as possible. Noelle is one of those rare people who really stays in touch. Even though we haven’t seen each other in years, she’s consistently sent thoughtful email updates and check-ins — not the self-promotion-y kind, but just genuinely what she’s up to. And she actually responds when I share what I’m up to. I’ve always admired this about her. Recently I learned Noelle is not and has never been on social media. This made me wonder: could her ability to stay in touch stem from avoiding the distractions and self-promotional instinct of social platforms?

Noelle and I met in 2008 while covering an event for rival Brooklyn local papers. I was a journalism student, thrilled to have an assignment at a real NYC newspaper, and her relaxed, unassuming demeanor and our shared Upper Midwest roots quickly helped me take myself less seriously. Recently, I learned she’d never joined social media. I was curious to know more, so she kindly agreed to an interview that stretched over several weeks.

I assumed Noelle had built a life free of the anxiety and performative pressures of social media. But after talking to her, I realized that even those who’ve opted out can’t fully escape its impact. Social media has reshaped our relationships and society, influencing even those who choose to remain offline.

So what can we do if we’re unhappy with these changes? One step might be to create more space for voices like Noelle’s. In day-to-day news and conversation, we hear so much from people online, but maybe we need a balance: perspectives that are honest, unfiltered, and less influenced by that world. In that spirit, read on for my interview with Noelle, and please share your experiences:

Way back in the day, when our generation was first getting on social media, did it appeal to you at all? What was your initial reaction to platforms like Facebook or MySpace? Was there a specific moment or reason that you decided not to join, and has that stayed consistent?

When I left for college in 2001, well the summer before, I went to an AOL Instant Messenger chat session or something to welcome us to college, and somehow we all got each other's screennames, and I messaged with many people all summer. Even sending things like recordings of me playing flute haha. We were "sharing art". When I got to college, I met up with some of these people and ran into others and was like, WTF these are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE, just did not resemble their online voice, and most did not look like their tiny photos. Did that stop me? No. I proceeded to have overwrought, emotional conversations with all my high school friends and family long into the night.

But, by I guess junior year when I went abroad, I mostly had established my college friends and saw high school friends on break and was pretty much off AOL IM. Since I'm a writer, I would often write emails (still fun for me obviously) and exchange letters and postcards. I never joined FB nor MySpace because that initial, wtf, people are not who they present online stuck with me. I saw acquaintances get so wrapped up in it that they would cancel plans and stay in their rooms and arrange plans with creepy townies, and I was like, why?

I also can be fiercely private so I find myself repeating no, you can't track my location, no, I don't want you to know who my boyfriend is, etc. An idle effort I realized when my friend said recently, “Google owns our blood. Like, it’s over.”

I really didn't want to see The Social Network, but now I love it. Duh, yes, Facebook always felt that way to me. Some angry small person wanting revenge and/or to creep on crushes/exes. And compare people.

How do you think being off social media has shaped your time, focus, or your mental health?

I scroll less. I still don’t need glasses.

I feel psychotic when I text a lot. React react. And my memory for text conversations is poor, but I do it because it's an easy way to keep in somewhat touch with people. But, I don’t need to do more of this type of communication on social media. I also have astigmatism and get headaches, so screens have always annoyed me.

You have written a novel and are good at keeping up with friends. Do you feel like being off social media has helped you with creation and connection?

Thank you for asking. This is really sweet, and I need to do a better job at being positive, but I really have nothing to compare it to! I have also written an essay collection that I’m polishing up. I mean, the scroll, the feed, whatever — sure it’s a distraction. So is the TV, as I’ve recently pleasantly rediscovered.

I'd say I’ve spent my time in direct versus indirect contact with people who matter to me. I have spent my time I’d say on the phone, emailing people, confronting them, not avoiding conflict, even leaning into conflict.

Have you noticed changes in how friends or family with social media interact or connect with you?

People have desperately wanted me to be on social media, really bullied me about it, especially in the earlier days, and the only thing I can liken it to is my older neighbors in college who were serious, spectacular drug users. And they would really pressure me. That's how it felt with social media: come be miserable with me, come make me O.K. Some people also act that way when I say I’m not having kids.

What is your impression of social media today?

People are using it to all become the same. Like celebrities after plastic surgery. They now look like everyone, and of course, no one. People are more fearful. More divided. Our devices feed us all the bad things about ourselves. Strengthen our idiotic, un-nuanced, etc. positions on things. I do like blogs. The Frugalwoods. The Julie and Julia Project. More book-like. But, reading vertically to me is not really reading, it's skimming.

I think about the words. Social. Media. It’s not social. It’s self-promotion.

People are getting shorter attention spans and being shitty listeners. More navel-gazing. Friends who claim they’re too busy to call, write, or visit (busy with young kids, etc.) spend hours scrolling.

People put their kids all over the internet, and I would have disowned my parents if they did that to me. It’s a clear choice. I matter more than they do. And that’s super gross. But, perhaps my perspective is dated.

And all of what I've said doesn't even delve into the creators of this. They want to sell things and create a distracted population that can be easily manipulated.

If someone came to you today, feeling overwhelmed by social media, what advice would you give them?

You’re not learning anything and you won't lose anything by eliminating it from your life. You’ll calm down.

However, the upside I see is, as stated by my nice and less judgmental boyfriend, perhaps people who were alone or lonely now have some kind of community. And I have to say that after hearing that two of my introverted friends met as Live Journal admins and married and seeing Dumb Money, I somewhat agree.

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➕ News & Tools

• ScreenZen - A tool (recommended by a friend) to help limit time on apps through “are you sure” style prompts when you log in

• I Kicked My News Addiction – and Discovered Ways to Make a Proper Difference [The Guardian]

Resources Find all of the above and more in this list of books, articles, apps, networks, and more, and submit your own.

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❛❜ Quote of the Week ❛❜

“I’m so offline! I was famously addicted to Twitter [now called X] for about ten years. I hopped off three or four years ago, even before Elon Musk started getting silly on there. You can keep a positive attitude if you protect your energy. That doesn’t mean you don’t keep up on what’s going on in the world. But you don’t have to fight with strangers [on social media] all day. Which I used to do!” — Lin Manuel Miranda